Things Narcissistic Mothers Say + How To Deal With It?

things narcissistic mothers say

In this article, we delve into the complicated dynamics of having a narcissistic mother. We’ll explore typical phrases they use, their key characteristics, and the lasting effects they can have on their children. 

Navigating these difficult waters is challenging, but with the right tools and understanding, it is possible to heal and thrive.

Things Narcissistic Mothers Say

Narcissistic mothers are often characterized by a lack of empathy, a need for admiration, and a disregard for others’ feelings. 

This can manifest in a variety of hurtful comments and manipulative tactics. Here are some examples of things narcissistic mothers may say:

  • “I did everything for you.” This is often used to make the child feel guilty and indebted to the mother, minimizing the child’s feelings or experiences.
  • “You’re so sensitive.” This is a form of gaslighting, making the child question their reactions and feelings.
  • “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” Comparisons are a classic tactic used to belittle one child and elevate another.
  • “I’m the best mother. Others don’t do as much as I do.” This statement emphasizes the mother’s need for constant praise and validation.
  • “I’m the victim here.” Playing the victim allows narcissistic mothers to manipulate situations and paint themselves as the wronged party.
  • “You’re selfish.” This is often said to a child who expresses their own needs or desires.
  • “You owe me.” This enforces the idea that love and care are conditional upon the child’s actions.
  • “You wouldn’t understand.” This dismisses the child’s ability to comprehend situations, undermining their confidence.
  • “I never said that.” Denying previous statements or actions is another form of gaslighting.
  • “You’re ungrateful.” This attempts to make the child feel guilty for not appreciating the mother enough, regardless of her actions.
  • “You should be more grateful.” This manipulative comment suggests that the child doesn’t appreciate their mother’s ‘sacrifices.’ It may discourage the child from expressing dissatisfaction or distress.
  • “I know you better than you know yourself.” This statement undermines the child’s self-knowledge and autonomy, implying they are incapable of understanding or managing their own feelings.
  • “Don’t embarrass me.” This comment puts the mother’s reputation above the child’s feelings, reinforcing the idea that appearances matter more than the child’s experiences.
  • “I gave up everything for you.” This guilt-inducing statement implies that the child is the reason for the mother’s lost opportunities or dissatisfaction.
  • “If it weren’t for me, you would have nothing.” This is a manipulative attempt to make the child feel dependent on and controlled by the mother.
  • “You always/never…” These absolutes tend to exaggerate negative traits or actions, generalizing and reinforcing negative self-perceptions in the child.
  • “Why can’t you do anything right?” This critical question undermines the child’s self-confidence and abilities, often causing feelings of inadequacy.
  • “I’m not angry, just disappointed.” This common phrase induces guilt, suggesting that the child’s actions have not met the mother’s high expectations.
  • “You’re just like your father.” This is often used as an insult, typically when the father is considered a negative figure by the mother.
  • “I’m the only one who truly loves you.” This isolating statement aims to make the child feel dependent on the mother for love and support, discouraging relationships with others.
  • “You always make things so difficult.” This statement is designed to make the child feel like a burden or a problem.
  • “You’re making that up.” This is a form of gaslighting, where the mother tries to make the child doubt their own memory or perception.
  • “You’re too young to understand.” By dismissing the child’s perspective, the mother undermines their ability to form opinions.
  • “I’m doing this for your own good.” This phrase can be used to justify controlling behavior or actions that may not actually be in the child’s best interest.
  • “I’m the only one who truly cares about you.” This is an isolating comment, often used to manipulate the child into being dependent on the mother.
  • “You should be more like…” Comparing the child to someone else is a way to belittle their achievements and make them feel inadequate.
  • “I’m your mother, you owe me respect.” This statement enforces a one-way respect based on role rather than on actions or treatment.
  • “I never did/said that.” This is another gaslighting technique, denying the mother’s actions or words to make the child question their memory.
  • “It’s your fault.” Blaming the child for issues or problems deflects responsibility from the mother.
  • “You’re overreacting.” By belittling the child’s emotions, the mother invalidates their feelings.

Related Article: Mom Guilt Quotes

Characteristics Of A Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic mothers exhibit distinct behaviors that set them apart. Recognizing these characteristics is the first step toward understanding and coping with this challenging personality type.

Lack of Empathy: Narcissistic mothers often fail to empathize with their children’s feelings. Instead, they focus on their own experiences, minimizing or ignoring their child’s emotions.

Need for Admiration: They have a strong desire for admiration and approval. They seek constant validation and expect their children to provide it, often at the expense of the child’s own needs.

Manipulation: Narcissistic mothers are adept at manipulation, using guilt, gaslighting, or other tactics to control their children. They may play the victim or use emotional blackmail to get their way.

Jealousy: They may display jealousy or competitiveness, particularly towards their own children. This jealousy is often a response to perceived threats to their own status or attention.

Grandiosity: Narcissistic mothers may have an inflated sense of their own importance. They see themselves as superior, and believe they deserve special treatment.

Controlling Behavior: They often exert control over their children’s lives, from their choices and actions to their thoughts and feelings. This control often continues into adulthood.

If you recognize these traits in your own mother, remember that support is available. Therapists, support groups, and trusted friends can provide help and understanding.

Related Article: When A Daughter Hurts Her Mother

What Are The Signs You Were Raised By A Narcissistic Mother?

Here are some signs:

You Feel Like You’re Never Good Enough

If you constantly feel that you are good enough for others and you always try to fill that void aiming for perfection, it is because of a narcissistic parent. 

This feeling comes from childhood where your parents had always set high expectations for you and never appreciated you or things you do. 

In that process where you feel inadequate and incompetent and therefore take more efforts to be ‘perfect’. 

You resort to self-sabotage

A person who grew up in an environment with a narcissistic parent will often resort to self-sabotage. 

It can be in the form of quitting something when success is around the corner, procrastination,etc. 

This behavior comes because of fear of rejection or failure and also because of feeling constantly pressurized and lack of love and support from your mother.

You Face Relationship Problems

You will often find yourself in a situation where you will feel paranoid in your romantic relationship and even friendships.

It is hard for you to trust others as you fear people might be manipulative or might simply reject you.

You might also end up choosing romantic partners who have narcissistic traits themselves. 

Being raised by a narcissistic mother can impact your adult relationships which can result in unhealthy relationships and trauma.

If you have resources, you should invest in therapy that can help you to cope with this issue and overall strengthen your mental health.

Related Article: Rules For 18 Year Olds Living At Home

Struggling With Your Own Emotions

People with narcissistic mothers have trouble in managing their emotions.

While growing up, your emotions would have been dismissed and you would have felt invalidated. 

You might resort to bottling up your feelings, finding it difficult to express them in a healthy and open way. 

Sometimes, you might express bursts of emotions in an unhealthy manner which may seem disproportionate to the situation at hand.

Understanding and coping with emotions can be a complex process, you can start journaling what you feel everyday and try to understand yourself better. 

Therapy can offer strategies for identifying, expressing, and managing your emotions. Remember, it’s okay to feel, and seeking help is a brave step toward emotional wellbeing.

Struggle Of Setting Boundaries

Another sign of being raised by a narcissistic mother is the struggle to set boundaries. 

Boundaries might have been frequently overstepped in your childhood, leading to difficulties in asserting them as an adult.

You may find yourself often saying yes when you want to say no, fearing conflict or disapproval. This lack of boundaries can lead to feeling overburdened, stressed, or taken advantage of.

Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial for self-care and respectful relationships. It can start with acknowledging your needs and rights, and communicating them clearly.

 Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your wellbeing. Therapy can provide guidance and support in this journey towards healthier boundaries.

Obsessed With Perfection

An obsession with perfection can be a sign of growing up with a narcissistic mother. 

The high standards and criticism from your mother can lead to a fear of making mistakes or not meeting expectations.

This obsession might manifest in different aspects of your life, from work to relationships to personal projects. 

You might constantly strive for flawlessness, feeling deeply dissatisfied or anxious when perfection isn’t achieved.

It’s important to remember that nobody is perfect, and making mistakes is a part of life. 

Related Article:Signs Of A Bad Mother-Daughter Relationship

How To Deal With A Narcissistic Mother?

Dealing with a narcissistic mother can be challenging. However, with the right strategies and support, it is possible to cope effectively.

Set boundaries: Establish clear, firm boundaries for your mental and emotional wellbeing. Assertively communicate these boundaries, understanding it’s okay to say no when needed.

Seek professional help: Therapists can provide tools to cope with a narcissistic parent’s behavior. They can help in validating your experiences and feelings, which can be healing and empowering.

Practice self-care: Prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental health. This can include regular exercise, a balanced diet, mindfulness techniques, or hobbies that bring joy.

Join a support group: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can offer comfort, understanding, and practical advice.

Educate yourself: Understanding narcissism can help you recognize manipulative behaviors and not internalize them. Reading books or articles, attending seminars, or watching educational videos on narcissism can be helpful.

Cultivate your self-esteem: Practice positive affirmations, focus on your strengths, and celebrate your accomplishments. Remember, your self-worth is independent of your mother’s opinions.

Limit contact if necessary: In some cases, limiting contact or considering ‘no contact’ might be necessary for your wellbeing. This is a personal decision and can be discussed with a mental health professional.

Forgive yourself: It’s important to forgive yourself for any feelings of guilt or blame. You’re not responsible for your mother’s narcissistic behavior.

While dealing with a narcissistic mother is difficult, it’s crucial to remember that support is available and that you’re not alone. You have the right to protect your mental health and seek happiness.

In conclusion, navigating the complex dynamics of a relationship with a narcissistic mother can be challenging. 

Recognizing the signs and understanding the patterns is crucial for your mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Don’t hesitate to seek professional help and support. Remember, you are not alone, and your feelings are valid.

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